Hello!

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Hello!

Post by Anniarchy on Wed Jan 14, 2015 2:15 pm

As you can probably tell out the corner of your eye, it's a bit of a read, and I apologize for that.

My name's Annie, and I was raised as a frightened little christian, fearing all people and all things because one little slip and I could burn for an eternity. This resulted in my anxiety and being very uneducated up until college. I've had friends in college who were Pagan, but it wasn't the fact that they were Pagan that made me uncomfortable. It was the fact that they felt very comfortable with their beliefs and I wasn't comfortable with mine. I have no idea why I was afraid to ask how I could convert and such. Guess it's that whole "
fear of god"
stuff. From that point on (which would be about 2008), throughout college, I was an Agnostic, but was too afraid to admit it to myself out of shame.

In April of 2011, my brother passed away, and I gripped tighlty on what little strings connected to christianity I had left, foolishly asking for an explanation and hearing nothing back. I kept begging for help, but no prayers were answered. Then I finally admitted myself to being Agnostic.

In late 2012, the whole Sandra Fluke case brought up various discussions with my friends about how little I knew about sex and what birth control was really for and what all it could do. Knowing how I should've been taught this stuff, but wasn't, not only turned me into a feminist, but I became obsessed with the topic of sex, and currently hope to become a sexologist. At this point, I've learned to question anything and everything, including politics, which after much exploration, I've finally decided to identify myself as an anarchist (and thus, explains my screenname). But December of 2012 and January of 2013 was when my life took an unexpected turn.

I know that the rules clearly state not to talk about Marvel!Loki, but I will only mention it here and then mention it no further.

My husband wanted to watch the Thor movie, which we were late to the band wagon, and so he pirated a copy and we watched it. It was a breath of fresh air from christianity and such. But just watching the Thor movie and being introduced to the pantheon like this wasn't enough. So when we had enough fun money saved up, we hopped the lightrail car over to the mall to the bookstore and I bought the Myths of the Norsemen by Helene A. Guerber. And I fell in absolute love with the gods. I fell in love not too far into the book because before it got around to bother explaining the individual gods, it gave a couple of examples of the stories that take place, including comical ones such as the Lay of Thrym story. Gods? In drag? Really? This exists?! The book didn't leave my side until I was finished with it, and when I did, I explained to a friend of mine how I wished you could actually worship such gods without ridicule. And that's when she told me about Asatru.

Another friend identified as Asatruar, and explained the basics to me. I was talking about a goat horn (I was in 4-H and raised pygmy goats) that looked like it had a rune in it, so I was advised to create a makeshift altar and ask whoever's trying to get my attention for some answers. And while I didn't get any answers on the horn directly, I did get quite a bit of activity. And I sat on my couch on my laptop and told my friend everything I was currently experiencing. I still couldn't tell who it was, but there was a heavy presence unlike anything I've ever felt before. I've grown up in a haunted house. This isn't a ghost, this is an actual god in my apartment. And I damn near vibrated with excitement. But at the same time, I was afraid. I was afraid of disappointing this god. It's leftover fear from my former christian self.

The offering on this makeshift altar (that later down the road became the altar) involved incense and a glass of wine that my aunt gave us after christmas. I've never drank alcohol before and didn't want to, but it felt as if the glass would fly at my head if I didn't take a sip. I did, and it was horrible (I, present day, like wine, so it happened). I ran to the sink and just as I'm about to gag, I heard a faint mockery of a gagging noise, and then snickering or laughing of some sort. And then I knew it was Loki. Deep down, I wanted to follow Loki, but I thought it was disrespectful to choose the god. Either the ghost of my brother referred him to me, or Loki's been waiting for the moment where, "
Okay, she's made the offering, it's showtime."


I went from identifying as Asatruar to just Pagan as I adjusted to this new spiritual path, and felt this huge weight being lifted off my shoulders that I never knew was there the whole time I was a christian. It was the biggest inner-relief I'd ever felt before, and I loved it.

Long story short (too late), I asked Loki in the middle of last summer to help me out for the first time, which I was hesitant because of the leftover fear from christianity and being afraid that I'd be bothersome to him. Our rent was jacked up by over a hundred dollars a month. We were scraping at this point and I couldn't find a job. My husband's income wasn't enough, and my parents couldn't help because they could barely afford to eat. So I finally asked for help, and when late September rolled around... We had bedbugs.

He knew I refused to move back in with my parents unless it's an emergency, so he gave me bedbugs, which heightened my anxiety, but made me immediately go, "
Fuck this, we're moving back to the farm."
We lost a lot of stuff, but my books and the altar were untouched. Clothes and entertainment was saved, but the bed, the dressers, and the couch, among many other little things for precautionary reasons, were all left behind. My husband is now the reason why my parents and I eat. My dad takes him to work until he can get his license and a car, and I have a job lined up for me with Pure Romance (I just need to save up for the demo kit). So there's the little story of how Loki helped me for the first time when I asked him for help. He also said he wouldn't give me bedbugs again, and promised that none were brought to the farm (despite my paranoia, I still triple-inspect everything that we bring in from isolation in the outer garage).

Lately, he's been hinting at me that he was the Green Man in my dream I had months ago, and I recently came to the conclusion that some gods to appear as a Green Man to some people, which now explains why I've felt drawn to the Green Man since I've converted.

Also: If anyone's interested, my tumblr blog URL is "
madam-stormfeather"
.

...Sorry it was long.

Anniarchy

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Re: Hello!

Post by Just.Christine on Thu Jan 15, 2015 7:13 am

No need to apologize for long posts! I enjoy reading.
I came from a horrible Christian upbringing as well. I was brought up as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. Wouldn't recommend them! Very brain-washy organization. Critical thinking discouraged, no thinking for yourself, ad nauseum.
Here I am, almost 50 years old and still fighting all the old fears.

Welcome to the forum, take up a seat, have a read, make some posts and enjoy!
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Just.Christine
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Re: Hello!

Post by Anniarchy on Thu Jan 15, 2015 10:45 am

Thank you! Smile

I come from an eastern orthodox family, which were rather hypocritical. They claimed I could talk to them about anything, but the moment I questioned god, they give me a lecture about going to hell. If I showed any sign of possibly not being christian, either my dad would heavily lecture me or my mom would yell at me. (One time, she forced me to read the bible and she planned on quizzing me on it. She ended up forgetting all about it an hour after she'd sent me to my room. Found out in recent years she's hardly read the thing, herself.)

But now that I'm an adult, my mom is rather accepting and dad is still in slight denial that I'm on a healthy path. He claimed to me that "
well, that's the devil approaching you;
he's going to approach you with kindness. That's how he lures you in,"
when I once told him about my experiences of how Loki was real to me while the christian god was not after praying for years to get the bullying to stop (and my parents did little next to nothing and blamed me for baiting bullies).

My parents aren't the physically violent-type, but they tend to deny a lot of things they've said or done and delude themselves into being these "
proper christians."


I can't even imagine the worse crap other Pagans have gone through, especially teenagers (provided they've mentioned something to their parents about Paganism).

Anniarchy

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