On being broken (when things go wrong)

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On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by Darkamber on Tue May 26, 2015 6:03 am

There seems to be an attitude or a mindset among pagans that the gods are all-good, all-loving and all-knowing. Also, that They know what is best for you, always have your best interest at heart, and always have a Plan for what They are doing.
If we read the old myths, we can easily see that this isn't true.

I believe that the gods have higher and lower aspects/selves. I believe that the gods in either aspect are fallible.
They can be Powers, impersonal and objective and see a larger picture, or they can be Persons with cosmic powers, subjective and very personal and more likely to be fallible. As Persons, they can be selfish, harsh (even cruel), have bad days and fuck up.

Some think that the gods only give us what we can handle.
I believe that sometimes the gods can push us too far, too fast, and break us. Sometimes, They overestimate our capabilities and They fuck up.

After my devotional week in October 2012, when I began to hear Loki again (after not being able to hear Him since May), He asked me if I wanted to know what it was like being a spirit worker. I was hesitant, because I didn't know if it were something for me, but I said that yes, I could try.
It went horribly wrong, and it broke my mind.
I've had it confirmed by two other Loki-wives that Loki hadn't intended for that to happen, that He had royally fucked up. He thought I could handle it, but I couldn't.
I developed trust issues after that. How can I trust that Loki does things for my own good, that He, being a god, knows what's best for me, when I know that He fucked up?
My connection with Loki and the others is still broken, and has been since November 2012, so I think I'm still broken. How many years will it take for me to heal? Will I ever get back the same close connection I had with Loki during the first half of 2012?
It makes me despondent and bitter, sometimes.

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Re: On being broken

Post by journeyintoinsanity on Tue May 26, 2015 12:27 pm

Yep. Despondent and bitter. My relationship with Loki is broken, too. He said He'd protect me, then He couldn't. On more than one occasion. If He had only warned me about the dark side of things, I could have prepared myself. But He didn't. He told me not to worry. And it's hard to try and repair a marriage when I can't hear what He has to say about it. I mean, cards and runes can only say so much, and they're open to interpretation. We need a dadgum marriage counselor. Sad
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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by Darkamber on Tue May 26, 2015 10:53 pm

Journey, I have experienced the same. I thought Loki could protect me;
He said He would, and that if He was too busy, Fenrir would protect me. But They didn't.
After our connection broke, He still could have given me messages from two other Loki-wives who He'd given me message via before, but He didn't.
I was attacked by a malevolent entity in May/June 2012, which broke my connection to my gods. I thought Loki and the others had abandoned me.
I was attacked again in August, and I thought it was Loki harassing me.
Why couldn't He have told me that I was attacked? Instead I became hurt and very angry with Him.
And now I'm being harassed by a new malevolent entity, who tries to upset me and I think it feeds off of my energy. It's been going on for two years! I've begged Loki and Fenrir on my knees for help, but They haven't helped me.
I don't understand what is going on. I though having a Patron and a Husband would mean I was protected. I thought Fenrir and Freyr would help protect me, with Loki.

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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by journeyintoinsanity on Wed May 27, 2015 9:04 am

This sucks. Why are there so many of us experiencing this crap? Maybe Christine is starting to rub off onto me, but perhaps it's some kind of conspiracy against Loki? Or some kind of sick initiation that Loki has no control over? Maybe He didn't send a message because He's somehow barred from doing so? I mean, after all some of us have been through, I hardly believe that He would deliberately make it worse for us.

I think in my case, I had to find my power and confidence if I was to get out of my situation. I don't think They could help me until I figured out how to help myself. Like teaching a kid to ride a bike without training wheels. Overly simplified analogy, sure, but I kinda get that impression. Like They know we're strong and can do it... we just have to see it within ourselves first.

I hate the saying "
Hard times make you stronger."
Hate it, hate it, hate it. But I hate it because it's true. Some days, I just feel like crawling into bed, hiding under the blankets, and crying. I hate how it is now. I hate the uncertainty, and I hate that I can't communicate with Them directly. I hate the resentment I feel towards Loki, and I hate that w/We can't work it out. I hate feeling stuck and stagnant, like I have to just settle for this way as the way things are now. Ugh...

Sorry, bad day. Cloudy, rainy weather, and it's affecting my mood.
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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by erinlale on Thu May 28, 2015 1:43 am

I too have experienced the phenomenon of a god making a mistake, particularly in overestimating how strong I was, and I ended up broken-- but temporarily. He was sorry and did whatever was necessary to help me heal and we got through it together. It just took a while.

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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by Just.Christine on Thu May 28, 2015 5:52 am

Wow. I was hoping that between the talismans and spells that something would work.
I feel so helpless when a friend suffers and I can't do anything. I know how that feels.
It seems like no matter what any of us do or what any of us suggest that these beings just rebound twice as strong as before each time we try to rid ourselves of them.
I had that thing go wrong right after Odin proposed and I accepted. Then I was attacked during sleep paralysis. The pendulum says it was him and that it was consensual but that really doesn't have the ring of truth to it. Of all the divinatory methods, I trust the pendulum the least. Damn thing just seems to lie in wait to give bad news. Not only that but I have a pretty close relationship with my own subconscious so it's hard for me to dig up something I don't already know. And those goddamn pendulums lie! Or else they're operated by stupid spirits that don't know yes from no or right from wrong. Any work I've done with raised the hackles on my neck and my instincts tell me not to trust the damn thing. I trust the runes and tarot far better.

Perhaps I'll make a Urim and Thummim. Simple yes/no black/white stones in a a bag used by the ancient Israel priests. Actually between the urim and thumim and the breastplate with multiple stones worn by the Jewish High Priest, there were many possible answers. I dunno though... then I'm inviting team YHWH into the fray. Not sure I want to go there.

I caught on pretty early about the fallibility of the gods. And that they have various aspects too. The Odin before I knew he was Odin, I suspect was a more primitive version of him. Little communication from him. I almost sensed him as a borderline animal/man being.
Once I realized him as Odin, everything changed. Some for the better, some as sacrifices that came as a natural result of the change in relationship status. Before, he hung out with me no matter what shape i was in, or my house was in and he didn't give a flying rats ass. I was a borderline hoarder and he didn't even notice. He had no sense of what human qualities included and he was so basic. It's like he possessed urges instead of emotions: territorial protectiveness, lust, sleep. He might emerge from those behaviors once in awhile if others were around, like my ex. He might engage in cat and mouse and bait my ex. But most of the time he was just the OdinBeast.

Now that I'm aware of his identity, the ballgame has changed. There's no more OdinBeast around I'm sorry to say. Now that there are others who know I'm a spouse, he expects me to live up to a certain standard. I can't let the house go anymore for one thing. Sometimes he just stands, arms folded, silent for a moment and then suddenly, "
Clean this house! We ar not the huns!"
That's his big joke to soften his commands, 'we are not the huns.'

I was not only a borderline hoarder, I also neglected my own hygeine. Something else the OdinBeast didn't seem to give a rats ass about. I once went without bathing for two weeks because I thought he would stop leering at me in the shower or just leering at me period. I was wrong. The more beastly I became, the better he liked it and the more beastly he would become, becoming less and less intelligent and more feral and animal like. I gotta say, he turned me on like that. And it gave me comfort that there really was someone out there who actually loved me for ME and not how I looked or whether I felt good enough to bathe or not.

All that went bye bye after I found him out. I can't go a day without a bath now. He's just as exacting about my hygiene now as he is that I not let the house get too dirty. "
Clean this house! Go take a bath! Move, move move! I have a reputation to uphold!"


As far as being broken goes? I think I've been broken so many times in life that I have no idea what it's like to be together and not broken. I have no idea whatsoever what keeps me alive and keeps me afloat. Probably poppy seed tea. God knows I can't get through a day without a cup or two of the stuff. Razz
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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by Corannhena on Thu May 28, 2015 7:39 am

So... do you think [url=these][/url] are all "
lies"
, then? Everything Loki's ever said to me I've used my pendulum to spell out, since I basically have a tin-can-and-string "
godphone"
and I'm terrible with runes and tarot. He does troll me sometimes, yes, but it's usually harmless and/or funny (although sometimes he does go too far--see my Captain Trollbutt tag on my blog), or for tests.

idk it just really bothers me when people say stuff like that. :/
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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by Darkamber on Thu May 28, 2015 7:59 am

My connection with Loki and the others (Fenrir and Freyr) was broken, so I had to put myself back together again on my own, after it felt like I had shattered in a thousand pieces. There were a few months where I didn't know who I was anymore.
I'm still in the process of putting myself back together again. I'm more sensitive and timid than I was, and I tire more easily. I don't feel like I have become stronger after having been broken.

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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by journeyintoinsanity on Thu May 28, 2015 9:01 am

I think sometimes when you have a bad experience with a form of divination, like a pendulum, it kind of taints future experiences with it. Which is why I'm kind of staying away from it for now.

Darkamber, I feel the same way. Tired, worn down, in a heap. The only way I feel stronger is that I have less tolerance for BS and am less inclined to give a rat's ass what others think of me. I have good moments every so often, where I feel a faint sense of direction, but mostly I feel cut adrift and floating aimlessly. I asked Hel to help me get rid of these dead bits of myself that I keep tripping over. Lay them to rest, as it were. I just had an idea of asking One associated with the sea to help me calibrate my compass. I grew up on the water and I have a deep connection with it. So, water... sailing... compasses... it might help. Maybe Njord? I did have a dream of Poseidon a few weeks ago. I'll have to "
sea"
if They can help.
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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by Lokakisa on Thu May 28, 2015 11:36 am

Lol a sea pun.
Nono speaks pretty highly of Njord;
I think He would be good to ask.

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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by Moon Rouge on Thu May 28, 2015 11:48 am

I love this post from Silence Maestas, I like a lot the whole blog, much is said there with devotion, love, and candor.

For those who don't feel like to read the whole entries (and there is much more than this):

Especially this:
from Making Relationship Available
http://walkingtheheartroad.com/2015/01/ ... available/

The Powers tend to respond to relationship. They will align themselves into position relative to how we approach. If we expect them to be hostile and violent, they usually will be. After all, there’s little motivation to reveal yourself as anything different when a person has already decided they know everything they need to about you. The Powers frequently will appear more or less exactly how we think they will;
this is relational positioning and They all do it to one degree or another.

And this From Mystic Love, Mystic Priorities
http://walkingtheheartroad.com/2014/12/ ... riorities/

Mystics are relentlessly driven to see the face of the Beloved. Sometimes this face is singular and sometimes this face is manifold. Sometimes there is a highly specific name and sometimes there is not. Further, to one degree or another, mystics seem to be able to hold the tension between specificity and the expansive sacred All. Holding this tension is sometimes sweet, sometimes incomparably bitter. Recognizing that all personalized divinity suffers from restrictive particulars can be frustrating because the mystic has a strong desire to have that personalized connection. Many are able to find a personalized connection to that sacred All and others find the sacred All in a personalized connection. Others (like myself) are pushed to fall in love again and again with apparently disparate expressions of the Beloved and Hir machinations but many others have struggled and still are struggling to resolve that tension. It is challenging to be aware of an immense, pervasive, inescapable foundation of sacred nature-awareness while also needing, really needing, that highly personal connection.
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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by journeyintoinsanity on Thu May 28, 2015 7:51 pm

I really like this person's blog. They usually hit the nail on the head.
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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by Just.Christine on Fri May 29, 2015 2:52 am

Corannhena wrote:So... do you think [url=these][/url] are all "
lies"
, then? Everything Loki's ever said to me I've used my pendulum to spell out, since I basically have a tin-can-and-string "
godphone"
and I'm terrible with runes and tarot. He does troll me sometimes, yes, but it's usually harmless and/or funny (although sometimes he does go too far--see my Captain Trollbutt tag on my blog), or for tests.

idk it just really bothers me when people say stuff like that. :/

Not at all! Just because I don't trust the pendulum doesn't mean it doesn't work for other people. I don't trust the thing when the answers that come from it disrupt people's lives for seemingly no reason. Then I start wondering about the honesty of it. It just seems like when an unpleasant answer comes from the thing, more unpleasantness comes on it's heels. I've read lots of your blog entries and you seem to have a good working relationship with the pendulum.

I guess I express my self in a far too generalized and all-inclusive way. I'm sorry. I guess it's more of my self-centeredness that needs work.
I've been making social blunders all week long. Embarassed
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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by Just.Christine on Fri May 29, 2015 2:58 am

Moon Rouge wrote:

And this From Mystic Love, Mystic Priorities
http://walkingtheheartroad.com/2014/12/ ... riorities/

Mystics are relentlessly driven to see the face of the Beloved. Sometimes this face is singular and sometimes this face is manifold. Sometimes there is a highly specific name and sometimes there is not. Further, to one degree or another, mystics seem to be able to hold the tension between specificity and the expansive sacred All. Holding this tension is sometimes sweet, sometimes incomparably bitter. Recognizing that all personalized divinity suffers from restrictive particulars can be frustrating because the mystic has a strong desire to have that personalized connection. Many are able to find a personalized connection to that sacred All and others find the sacred All in a personalized connection. Others (like myself) are pushed to fall in love again and again with apparently disparate expressions of the Beloved and Hir machinations but many others have struggled and still are struggling to resolve that tension. It is challenging to be aware of an immense, pervasive, inescapable foundation of sacred nature-awareness while also needing, really needing, that highly personal connection.

I can relate to a lot of what this person says, especially the part I highlighted. Not so much these days. Now it's more personal and less an experience of his divine function in relation to everything.
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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by Moon Rouge on Fri May 29, 2015 10:22 am

Poppy.Meister wrote:

Just because I don't trust the pendulum doesn't mean it doesn't work for other people.

Yes, I think so too, it works for some well!

Poppy.Meister wrote:
I don't trust the thing when the answers that come from it disrupt people's lives for seemingly no reason. Then I start wondering about the honesty of it.
It just seems like when an unpleasant answer comes from the thing, more unpleasantness comes on it's heels.

I used pendulum for yes and no answers, mainly to confirm if I understand well. It worked well.
For spelling it did strange stuff, misspelled, nonsensical, and out of content stuff. I stopped to use it very fast for that purpose.
It told me once Loki will break me and my home. Perhaps he will, but I don't want to hear about it in advance....and that was end of this conversation for me.
Now it mostly hangs over one of my Loki's figures. I ask it only yes or no, and I don't use it as long I can pump my answers elsewhere.
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Re: On being broken (when things go wrong)

Post by Moon Rouge on Fri May 29, 2015 10:29 am

Poppy.Meister wrote:to one degree or another, mystics seem to be able to hold the tension between specificity and the expansive sacred All.

I can relate to a lot of what this person says, especially the part I highlighted. Not so much these days. Now it's more personal and less an experience of his divine function in relation to everything.

What I love to go there for is, I always discover something new in lines I read before.
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